Phat Unicorn!

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Thursday, October 17, 2013

Local food, for local people... (This post is probably not what you think.)

Hello and happy Fall greetings, my Darlings! J I hope you’re all keeping well. This is your Unicorn’s favorite time of year: crisp leaves crunching underfoot (or hoof), the smell of bonfires in the air, and cooler temps. Unicorns hate to sweat! Ugh. Almost as much as we hate spiders. Almost. Halloween decorations have been popping up in the neighborhood for the past couple of weeks. LOVE it! Nothing makes me happier than Fall.

Except maybe Pringles, which I will no longer be eating, starting on November 3rd of this year.

I know, I know. I can imagine your shock and disbelief. Imagine mine. But your faithful and flamboyant Unicorn has done a great deal of soul-searching and is going to embark upon an experimental journey.  (No drugs are involved, Darlings, though my patient and loving partner may well wish there were, especially for the first week or so.) No, this is a natural journey, trying to use natural foods to improve the quality and longevity of my sparkly little life.

On a completely unrelated side-note (because that’s how I roll), while I was typing that, in my head I heard it spoken in the voice of one of my favorite characters from The League of Gentlemen, Tubbs the shopmistress. “This is a local shop, for local people. There’s nothing for you here!” But I digress.

See, your friend the Unicorn has a not-very-well hidden fear of mortality; specifically my own, although of course I’m interested in your  well-being as well. I’m still young(ish), but old enough to start paying attention when the people around me are dropping like flies – most of them way too young. Both of my parents are gone – way too young. Cancer, in both cases. My father passed several years ago, and my mother last year. My dad was only 55. In the last two months, I also lost my uncle (my father’s baby brother) to cancer. Let’s just say that the genetic deck is a trifle stacked against me, metaphorically speaking.

On a brighter note, both of my grandmothers lived long lives, so I do have that going for me. I’m hoping maybe the ‘surviving to old age’ gene skipped a generation. Then again, my grandmothers grew up in a different time, and probably grew their own food, or ate food raised on neighboring farms (local food, for local people…) I doubt they ate much processed food at all – and certainly not the amount of garbage that we eat now.

I saw a documentary last night (“Hungry for Change”, if you’re curious). The narrator made a point that really resonated for me. He said, “We’re not eating food. We’re eating food-like products.”

Food-like products.

I’ve been watching a lot of documentaries lately: “Food Matters”; “Hungry for Change”; “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead”; “Crazy Sexy Cancer”. Eye-opening, let me tell you. For instance, did you know that upwards of 30% of people in the United States – where we have food! – are chronically malnourished? We are obese, filling ourselves with way more calories than anyone’s body needs, yet we’re not getting any actual nutrition.

I can feel my arteries hardening.

Many of us are deficient in many vitamins and nutrients critical to health. And it’s not just about weight. Deficiencies in these nutrients can cause many of the so-called chronic diseases that Americans suffer from, including diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc. Not to mention that the processed crap we eat also contributes – significantly – to the development of many inflammatory and auto-immune illnesses that can debilitate or kill.

And cancer. Did I mention cancer? That thing that kills so many in my family and which I would do just about anything to avoid?

Yes, that too.

So, Unicorn, I hear you asking, eyebrows raised to the sky. What does this mean? Are you going to be all healthy now, or what? Or are you going to eat some whole grains for a week and then throw in the towel and eat a cake? A whole cake?

I don’t know for sure. I can’t say where this journey will take me. I don’t know if I’ll be successful at it. I don’t know if it will do what I want it to do, even if I am. I know where I’m going to start, though, and that’s a good thing. And I’m telling you all, right here and now, for two reasons. One is selfish. The other is (I hope) more giving.

First, the selfish reason: If I put this out into the Universe via teh Interwebs(tm), then you can hold me accountable. I’ll make myself tell you how it’s going – for real. If I’m struggling and having a horrible time, I’ll tell you. If I’m cheating, I’ll tell you. Hopefully, my Darlings, if that happens, you’ll be there to buoy me up. Unicorns don’t have wings, so sometimes we need a little help.

The second reason: Maybe it will work. Maybe you’ll watch me bitch and whine a little (or a lot – probably a lot), but slowly and surely turn into a strong, well-nourished, healthy, glowing beast and defeat some of the ‘chronic’ conditions that are limiting myself right now.

And maybe, if that happens, some of you – even one of you – will think, “Hey, I thought this was a load of garbage, but if a Unicorn can do it, maybe I can, too.”

And if even one person finds some benefit, some improvement to quality of life, or AMOUNT of life, or health, or happiness, or whatever, then that will make me happier than I can even say. ::insert misty-eyed Unicorn here smiling at the thought::

So. Where am I going to start?


I just bought myself a heavy-duty juicer. I also got the recipe book from the guy that did “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead” (watch on Netflix streaming – all of the docs I mentioned above are available on streaming). Beginning November 3rd, I’m going to attempt a 10-day juice fast to detoxify my body from the processed crap I’ve spent the past, oh, all of my life eating.

And drinking.

Oh, yeah. I left that part out. I’ll be cutting out alcohol (not really that big of a deal for me – I’m not a lush-y Unicorn). And caffeine. Oh, ouch. Just the thought of that one hurts… but it hurts a lot less than dying, I guess, so I’m all about that.

Be prepared for a very bitchy Unicorn once this gets going. Who knows? Perhaps it will make me more amusing.

I hope my partner lives through this.

I’ll keep you posted. For now, T-minus 17 days to blast-off.

Thanks for listening, Darlings, and thanks in advance for any encouragement. If anyone wants to join me on the journey (not necessarily juicing or fasting, just in whatever healthy way suits you), let me know it! I’ll support the hell out of you, too.

I’ll leave you now with this quote from Repo! The Genetic Opera. It kind of sums up how I feel about my family medical history and my determination to reject that kind of early ending for myself:

"Genetic Emancipation"

Years, it's been so many years,
Resenting the years,
And my heredity...
Oh, I have hated and loved you...
I have hidden behind you,
But I finally see...

You, I've mistaken for destiny,
But the truth is my legacy
Is not up to my genes...
True, though the imprint is
Deep in me,
It will always be up to me...
Up to me...

Oh, free at last...
Oh, I'm free at last.

(Free at last...)

(Find your way...

Find your way...)

Image courtesy of Repo! The Genetic Opera


  1. Rock on, Unicorn! You can do it!

    1. Thank you, anonymous Darling. :) I hope that I can. I feel that I can!

      I surely hope that I can. ;)


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~ The Unicorn